


"Pat Robertson Once Said..."

by Loki_is_on_crack



Category: Actor RPF, Advertisements - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-08
Updated: 2009-09-08
Packaged: 2018-07-13 23:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7142327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loki_is_on_crack/pseuds/Loki_is_on_crack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of those ads that never aired... for very good reason.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Pat Robertson Once Said..."

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic a few years ago, when AFLAC had Gilbert Gottfried voice-acting their duck mascot, and posted it (via sock-puppet) on the LJ-comm very_wrong_slash. I've cleaned it up a bit, updated the links, and am now including it here. The title is a reference to [this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXPcBI4CJc8) (NSFW) by Garfunkel and Oates. Oh, and some of the links in this fic are NSFW, but chances are you're not worried about that -- after all, you're about to read about a man fucking a duck.

My job was easy, once. All I had to do was get my feathery ass out of bed, go to the lot, get in front of all the cameras, maybe do a few stunts, and squawk the name of my client -- AFLAC -- in a voice that sounded like Gilbert Gottfried after he got his nuts caught in a blender.

Ah, I see you've heard of me. Yes. I'm [that duck](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6pkAriA7aI).

My job was easy... until some copywriter got way too drunk, wrote an advert that plumbed new depths of depravity, and showed it to my agent. To be fair, though, my agent was a little shitfaced when he read it himself, or he'd never have asked me to go along with it. And of course, I wasn't going to turn down a chance at this particular costar.

 

So. Picture me in a room with one of the most handsome human males on the planet... and he's not wearing a stitch of clothing. This isn't [the first time](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlT-CsJ7HC8) I've been involved with a human, but this one is different. He's gorgeous. You've seen him, haven't you? My cloaca is throbbing just thinking of what's to come, and I'm worried that I'm going to flub my line... 

...and suddenly, "ACTION!" 

And the big guy picks me up. For a moment, I see he's sporting a rather large erection, and my heart soars. _Oh god, he IS attracted to me!_ I think. And then he plunges his beef into my waterfowl, and I stop thinking altogether for a while. 

"Hey, duckie!" He says to me. "What's the best place to go for supplemental insurance?" 

Somehow, I remember my line. "AFLAC!" 

He starts fucking me harder. "That's right. And who gives you money for food and other expenses while you're sick?" 

Even louder this time, "AFLAC!" 

He's breathing hard. "Say my name, little duckie!" 

"AFFLECK!" 

"Who's your daddy, duckie?" 

"AFFLECK!" 

"That's right. I'm. Ben. Affleck!" 

And then, he shudders beautifully, and has the most forceful orgasm of his life. And so do I.

 

Of course, the ad never gets aired, but by that point, neither Ben nor I cared. Every now and then, I'd sneak off to his trailer, or he'd sneak off to mine. Then there was that time that he, Matt Damon, and I all got drunk and had a threesome, and oh god, I'm getting horny just thinking about it.

Unfortunately, it didn't last. [Ben ran off with Jimmy Kimmel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vu7wV3s0i-Y), that little bitch.

 

I hate you, Ben. You cheap, two-timing tramp!

...please come back to me. I love you.


End file.
